I love you so much Kiko. :)
We are all strangers in a strange land, longing for home, but not quite knowing what or where home is. We glimpse it sometimes in our dreams, or as we turn a corner, and suddenly there is a strange, sweet familiarity that vanishes as soon as it comes.
The Dandelion: You Are Important
I wish I could have met everyone you know. I wish I could have been there to hear everything everyone ever said to you, from the grandiose proclamations to the offhanded commentary. I wish I could have written it all down for later speculation, saved it somewhere I would have been able to reference whenever needed. Then, at least, I would know who told you. I would know if it was one person or a hundred, a school bully from across the playground or a past love who wanted to hurt you one last time before you went your separate ways. Because someone told you — convinced you, even, and it seems not to have been so hard-won — that you are not important.
You apologize for things which are not your fault, even for things which hurt no one. You will bump into a table and mutter that you are sorry to have hurt it, you will excuse yourself. If you happened to cross a stream of particularly rude passerby, you would hold the door open for hours on end, never entering the building yourself. There is a part of you which seems embarrassed to take up space, as though you don’t deserve the things you touch, the air you breathe, the chairs you sit on. You feel as though there is always a way to be more accommodating, less of an intrusion. But you are not intruding, you know. You never are. There is a way you move, a way you take up your space in this world (the space to which each of us is entitled, never more) that makes me wish I could be more like you. I feel boisterous, even occasionally oppressive. You are always kind, always humble, always so deserving of being there.
We are undeserving. It is we who are graced by your presence, and your generosity. You feel as though you need to give more to this world to earn your keep — that your being a kind person and deferring to others is somehow not enough — but that is ridiculous. It seems that you are just one of those rare, beautiful people who err a bit on the shy side, who assume the best in people, and who always move just slightly to the side of the stage so as not to compete for the spotlight. But you should have the spotlight, it should be turned to you. Its glow should cradle your face, and there should be a round of eager applause for you being here. When you step into a coffee shop, or a party, or a crowded commuter bus — I am glad you are there.
There are those among us who will be crippled by our delusions of importance, who tend to absorb the room as we walk in and push the furniture to the sides so as to better accommodate our presence. But there are also those who feel, often from being unjustly led to believe as much at some point in early life, that they have no importance. They feel that they are a burden of some kind, and are willing to accept being treated as a bit of relatively drab set decoration. You can see in their eyes that they nearly flinch with apology at the end of declarative statements, that their opinions are always tempered in a bit of empathetic softness. They are always doing on behalf of others, putting a million kinds of happiness before their own.
But you are important. You are important in a way that many people will never acknowledge, because they are too consumed with their image in the mirror or their voice on a recording to notice that they share the world with people around them. But you are important because you are good, because you look at your surroundings with tenderness and understanding. You don’t step on flowers when you walk, you allow a housepet to come to your hand instead of roughly insisting on your touch, you leave messages and wait for people to call you back at their convenience. You treat people with respect, and so rarely ask it for yourself. But you should. Because you matter. You matter to me, you matter to the woman you held the elevator for, and you matter to the friend you listened to while they unloaded the problems the world had put on them. You are more important than you will ever know, and never let anyone tell you that your economy of words is a stinginess of character. You are overflowing with love, and we can see it from a mile away.
“You don’t owe anyone a sexy body, or being good-looking in any way. And not looking like what you see in a magazine is not a cause for personal shame or guilt. People have cellulite, they have stretch marks, they have birthmarks, they have rolls and bumps and dimples and wrinkles. And those are all perfect bodies, because they do their job and work for us and let us cuddle with each other when we need to be held. No one’s body deserves to be shamed or referred to as not what a “real” man or woman looks like, and no one’s body positivity needs to come at the expense of someone else’s shape. The only shame that should be felt is being a petty enough person to make fun of someone else for what they look like.”
You always blame your poverty to other people. You blame it to the politicians. You blame it to the rich people. You blame it to the low life society. But you never blame yourself. Look at what you’ve done.
“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.” -Bob Marley.
Lagi akong nagmamadali. Gusto ko nang yumaman, magkapera at tumakas dito sa mundong kinatatayuan ko ngayon. Madalas akong naiinggit sa mga taong nakatapak na sa lugar na gusto kong tapakan din. Bitbit ko ang madaming sama ng loob na hinaluan ng madaming tanong… at mabibigat na pasanin na hindi ko mabitawan. Masyadong madaming bagahe. Masyadong madaming nakakaumay na nangyayari.
Madali akong makalimot. Nabubuhay ako sa kasalukuyan na parang laging merong bukas na darating. Laging importante ang perang kikitain. De numero lahat ng kilos at utot. Gumigising, naliligo, nagbibihis, nagta-time in, nagtatrabaho, kumakain, umuuwi, nagpapahinga para gumising ulit kinabukasan para gawin ng paulit-ulit kung anong kelangang gawin. Para ano? Para saan? Para kumita ng pera? Para yumaman? Hindi rin. Hindi ako masaya.
Nagmamadali. Nakakalimot. Laging ganun. Ano ba talagang importante? Minsan, nakakalimutan ko na.
Gusto kong tumigil muna… kahit saglit lang. Parang mas masarap kasi tumingin sa langit pag gabi at magbilang ng mga bituin. Parang mas magandang makinig sa tunog ng agos ng tubig o magpalutang lutang sa dagat habang pinaglalaruan ng tubig ang katawan. Ayokong puro ng lang trabaho. Ayokong puro na lang pera ang importante.
Gusto kong mabuhay ng tama. Hindi ‘yung ganito. Nakakaumay.
Lean against a tree and dream your world of dreams. Work hard at what you like to do and try to overcome all obstacles. Laugh at your mistakes and praise yourself for learning from them. As you go through life, pick some flowers and appreciate the beauty of nature. Be honest with people and enjoy the good in them. Don’t be afraid to show your emotions. Laughing and crying make you feel better. Love your friends and family with your entire being. They are the most important part of your life. Feel the calmness on a quiet sunny day and plan what you want to accomplish in life. Find a rainbow and live your world of dreams. I love you.
Love is the answer at least for most of the questions in my heart, like why are we here? And where do we go? And how come it’s so hard? It’s not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving. I’ll tell you one thing, it’s so much better when we’re together
Tigas ng ulo
Iba ang pinili ko. Ibang ang gusto mo. Nangarap ka para saken na parang nangarap ka para sa sarili mo. Gusto mong maging perpekto ang buhay ko kaya hindi umubra sa’yo ang pagmamatigas ko. Siguro nawala sa isip mo na ikaw ang may gusto nun, hindi ako. Pangarap mo ‘yun, hindi akin. Hinayaan mo akong matuto sa mahirap na paraan. Magpakatibay? Magsolo sa buhay? Lahat ‘yun, tinuro mo sa akin sa paraang nasasaktan ka rin.
Alam mo, gusto ko rin namang marinig galing sa’yo na kahit pa pinagpilitan ko ang gusto ko, kahit na ilang beses kong napasama ang loob mo dahil sa pagiging matigas ng ulo ko, nandiyan ka lang lagi… at mahal mo ako ano man ang mangyari.
Madalas tayong magkontrahan. Gusto ko lang naman makita sa’yo na may tiwala ka sa mga desisyon ko. Alam ko na mahirap para sa’yo ang pakawalan ako… at nasasaktan ka basta nasasaktan ako… pero kelangan kong matuto. Tahimik kang lumuluha dahil sa mga pagkakamali ko pero asahan mo na magiging matibay ako para sa’yo.
Sana tanggapin mo pa rin ako… hindi man ako maging katulad ng gusto mo, panindigan ko man ang pagpili ko sa sarili ko… at hindi sa’yo.
